It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
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you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
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DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize