youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize