he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
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He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
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