so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize