3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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