I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize