I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
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Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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