I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
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He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
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I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
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