Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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