I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize