Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
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Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
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It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
God, I missed his penis.
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