Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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