Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
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I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
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I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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