her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
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He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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