Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize