just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize