Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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