We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize