Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
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Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
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I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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