She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
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It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
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I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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