So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
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bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Send help, water and tortillas.
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I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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