I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize