Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
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Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
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Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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