i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
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I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You are a genius and a whore.
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