That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I think my fart just growled at me.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
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Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
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It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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