it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
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and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
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I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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