He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
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No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
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He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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