he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
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Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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