I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize