I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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