a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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