She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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