Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
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My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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