Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
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The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
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Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You're breaking my sexual little heart
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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