i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
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he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
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I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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