I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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