i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
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Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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