Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
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It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
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A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I think people are normalizing furries
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize