He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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