There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
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Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
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I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize