Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize