So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
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Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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