It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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