i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
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pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
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Hold me and let me compliment your butt
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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