woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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