you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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