u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
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Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
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There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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