Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
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Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
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Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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