My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
