the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
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You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
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I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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