I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
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I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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